Merry Christmas...

"With a heavy heart" or "Merry Christmas" or "What could have been" or whatever you decide it is...

A little more than a month ago I began gathering ideas and doing sketches and drawings for all of the Christmas pieces I would eventually want to bring to life for everyone to see.  I had dozens of ideas and sketches but then, something happened; something horrible.

Let me see if I can explain…

For me, Christmas is my favorite time of year; the lights, the tree, the decorations and baking treats.  All year I look forward to the snow and the cold, wearing my Santa hat and everything that goes along with the season; I even love the crowded stores and traffic.  There isn’t anything I don’t enjoy this time of year but three weeks or so ago (maybe four-right now time is not a concept I can wrap my brain around) something hit me very hard and I wouldn’t know it until right now but I began having the worst Christmas Season of my entire life.

In 2008, I spent Christmas alone in an empty house…this is worse.  In 2005, my Christmas consisted of waiting for the other shoe to drop in a relationship with someone I thought I was going to Marry…this is worse.  In 2004, I endured a very cold and detached Christmas with a family (not my own) that I didn’t want to be around because I was made to feel like I wasn’t good enough to be there…this is worse.

Every Christmas may not be perfect but every year I muster up the strength to strap on that smile and trot out there with my fluffy red hat, draw some pictures to brighten up someone’s day and be that person everyone expects me to be all the while, I keep hope that the season doesn’t let me down and some of that wonderful Christmas Magic that I have witnessed in the past decides to make it’s way to me again.  Usually, that special things that makes Christmas what it is doesn’t let me down and it always seems to come through in the end.  I am an optimistic person when it comes to things like this; I compare situations like this to being a Cubs fan.  In my eyes, it’s not the record at the end of the year, it’s about the love of watching it happen; win or loose it’s being with them along the way that I enjoy and even though the Cubs may loose year after year, I always have hope for next year.  It never needs to be a lot of that Christmas Magic, sometimes it’s just a smile or a hug and it winds up being exactly what I need but this year, there will be no magic.

So, what’s wrong then?  All those years and all this time has finally caught up with me.  I always knew it was only a matter of time before it did.

I am alone.  This year, I feel it more than I ever thought I would.  This can get complicated to understand properly so let me explain a little.  I am lucky enough to have the greatest friends and family anyone could ever ask for.  The all want me to be around and they want to be there for me; to support me and I wish that was what I needed because there is plenty of love to be had by everyone but that’s not the kind of alone I am.  It’s more than just being alone really; see, I thought it was about not having someone around but it’s really much more than that.  It’s about realizing that I am not good enough to have someone.  Everyone in the world could sit there and scream at me; telling me that I am the greatest this and the most wonderful that but the proof is in the preverbal pudding.  If I was good enough, I wouldn’t feel this way and I wouldn’t be alone and there would be someone around who wanted to be around to share the holidays with because they genuinely wanted to be, not because it was convenient or someone just felt sorry enough for me.  People will no doubt send me messages telling me that I am welcome everywhere and that they want me to be there for various reasons, making them sound like it’s not what it is but I can’t take it.  I can’t sit there and watch people sitting around being together and having someone when I don’t, not right now I can’t.  It’s painful to me to go out and be reminded every time I see two people walking, holding hands or smiling at each other or arguing with each other or anything.  I’m not built like that; I can’t take it anymore.  I know so many amazing people in this world that want so much for me to be happy and I wish I could be…if only so they wouldn’t worry about me anymore.  I just can’t take looking at them; their eyes tell the truth, they see how I feel and I can’t take it, not right now.  I know that it’s a lot to ask for people to not be worried, especially when at this point in time they have every reason to be considering how I feel right now but I know it will only make things worse.  It’s too much for me to be around it; knowing that after everything is said and done, I will go home to nothing.  It’s no one’s fault but mine, if I were a better person, someone out there might care like I think they should.  I see it everywhere and all I can do is keep asking myself, why doesn’t anyone want me or need me at all the way one person just needs another?  Just for that look or that smile or just because they wanted to be around.  It’s not just me being alone, it’s knowing I am alone and I am not good enough for anyone; it’s not just one person out there, it’s that throughout the years-no one has wanted to be with me…just because-nothing more, nothing less.

This year is horrible and I feel like all I want to do is cry and if you know me, I don’t cry.  I have this pain in my heart that won’t go away and nothing I do has helped, even a little and that’s why I am writing this, one last chance to let it all out, 2 days before Christmas to see if there’s a little magic left to be had.

I tried to force myself to feel better; I forced a few of the pieces of artwork out so you would have something to smile about and I thought that knowing that might make me smile a little; I am sorry…it didn’t.  I have not slept more than 12 hours total in the past 6 days and it’s not because I have work to do.  Today, I went shopping for a few items and before I left the store, I stopped before the doors and stuck my hand in my pocket and took every dollar out, folded it up and stuck it in the red bucket for the Salvation Army.  I didn’t even think about it…it just happened.  I don’t know what else to do.

I tried to finish the artwork, especially with all this time on my hands from not sleeping but I just couldn’t do any more.  My eyes just hurt, my fingers wouldn’t stay still and my mind wouldn’t cooperate.  I didn’t have anything left, my emotions are all spent and there was nothing left to make the lines on the page dance the way I wanted them to.  I am so incredibly sorry to not deliver and I am even more sorry that you are all going to read what I have written next; please understand.

Until further notice; until I am happy the way I need to be…after I find that one person that truly wants to be around and have me around because they genuinely want me; I will have no more new artwork for anyone.  I will be putting all of my efforts into this one single goal, nothing is more important than this.  Without someone that loves me, this; all of this…the artwork, the stories, the poems, everything isn’t worth anything if I don’t have anyone to share it with.  That’s just how it is.

So because it might very well be a long time before you see anything from me again, please, enjoy looking at all the Christmas pieces that were not finished.  I hope you will look at these and think of what they would have looked like; they would have been amazing I think.

Merry Christmas to all of you; I love each one of you the same.  And if you want to do something for me this Christmas, I want it to be this.  Right now, right after you read this; find someone you love and give them a hug or a kiss and tell them you love them…really love them; make them understand that you do…don’t half ass it-be 100% sure they know.  No one should feel bad on Christmas and I want each of you to let someone know just how much you are glad that they are there, right next to you…right at this very moment.

Have a great Christmas and a Happy New year; I hope it’s not long before I have done what I need to do.

-me.