New Year-

I'd like to wish everyone a safe and happy new year.  I have said things in the past few weeks that I wish I had never said and I hope there will be an opportunity in the new year for me to make them right.

-I just want you to know that I do love you very much; you and only you and that even though you don't want me around you tonight, you should know that you are the only thing on my mind.

I try to do the right thing but sometimes I just don't know what to do at all...one of these days I better figure it out; I don't want to loose the best thing this life of mine ever gave me...someone like you. (+1)

-jason

Merry Christmas...

"With a heavy heart" or "Merry Christmas" or "What could have been" or whatever you decide it is...

A little more than a month ago I began gathering ideas and doing sketches and drawings for all of the Christmas pieces I would eventually want to bring to life for everyone to see.  I had dozens of ideas and sketches but then, something happened; something horrible.

Let me see if I can explain…

For me, Christmas is my favorite time of year; the lights, the tree, the decorations and baking treats.  All year I look forward to the snow and the cold, wearing my Santa hat and everything that goes along with the season; I even love the crowded stores and traffic.  There isn’t anything I don’t enjoy this time of year but three weeks or so ago (maybe four-right now time is not a concept I can wrap my brain around) something hit me very hard and I wouldn’t know it until right now but I began having the worst Christmas Season of my entire life.

In 2008, I spent Christmas alone in an empty house…this is worse.  In 2005, my Christmas consisted of waiting for the other shoe to drop in a relationship with someone I thought I was going to Marry…this is worse.  In 2004, I endured a very cold and detached Christmas with a family (not my own) that I didn’t want to be around because I was made to feel like I wasn’t good enough to be there…this is worse.

Every Christmas may not be perfect but every year I muster up the strength to strap on that smile and trot out there with my fluffy red hat, draw some pictures to brighten up someone’s day and be that person everyone expects me to be all the while, I keep hope that the season doesn’t let me down and some of that wonderful Christmas Magic that I have witnessed in the past decides to make it’s way to me again.  Usually, that special things that makes Christmas what it is doesn’t let me down and it always seems to come through in the end.  I am an optimistic person when it comes to things like this; I compare situations like this to being a Cubs fan.  In my eyes, it’s not the record at the end of the year, it’s about the love of watching it happen; win or loose it’s being with them along the way that I enjoy and even though the Cubs may loose year after year, I always have hope for next year.  It never needs to be a lot of that Christmas Magic, sometimes it’s just a smile or a hug and it winds up being exactly what I need but this year, there will be no magic.

So, what’s wrong then?  All those years and all this time has finally caught up with me.  I always knew it was only a matter of time before it did.

I am alone.  This year, I feel it more than I ever thought I would.  This can get complicated to understand properly so let me explain a little.  I am lucky enough to have the greatest friends and family anyone could ever ask for.  The all want me to be around and they want to be there for me; to support me and I wish that was what I needed because there is plenty of love to be had by everyone but that’s not the kind of alone I am.  It’s more than just being alone really; see, I thought it was about not having someone around but it’s really much more than that.  It’s about realizing that I am not good enough to have someone.  Everyone in the world could sit there and scream at me; telling me that I am the greatest this and the most wonderful that but the proof is in the preverbal pudding.  If I was good enough, I wouldn’t feel this way and I wouldn’t be alone and there would be someone around who wanted to be around to share the holidays with because they genuinely wanted to be, not because it was convenient or someone just felt sorry enough for me.  People will no doubt send me messages telling me that I am welcome everywhere and that they want me to be there for various reasons, making them sound like it’s not what it is but I can’t take it.  I can’t sit there and watch people sitting around being together and having someone when I don’t, not right now I can’t.  It’s painful to me to go out and be reminded every time I see two people walking, holding hands or smiling at each other or arguing with each other or anything.  I’m not built like that; I can’t take it anymore.  I know so many amazing people in this world that want so much for me to be happy and I wish I could be…if only so they wouldn’t worry about me anymore.  I just can’t take looking at them; their eyes tell the truth, they see how I feel and I can’t take it, not right now.  I know that it’s a lot to ask for people to not be worried, especially when at this point in time they have every reason to be considering how I feel right now but I know it will only make things worse.  It’s too much for me to be around it; knowing that after everything is said and done, I will go home to nothing.  It’s no one’s fault but mine, if I were a better person, someone out there might care like I think they should.  I see it everywhere and all I can do is keep asking myself, why doesn’t anyone want me or need me at all the way one person just needs another?  Just for that look or that smile or just because they wanted to be around.  It’s not just me being alone, it’s knowing I am alone and I am not good enough for anyone; it’s not just one person out there, it’s that throughout the years-no one has wanted to be with me…just because-nothing more, nothing less.

This year is horrible and I feel like all I want to do is cry and if you know me, I don’t cry.  I have this pain in my heart that won’t go away and nothing I do has helped, even a little and that’s why I am writing this, one last chance to let it all out, 2 days before Christmas to see if there’s a little magic left to be had.

I tried to force myself to feel better; I forced a few of the pieces of artwork out so you would have something to smile about and I thought that knowing that might make me smile a little; I am sorry…it didn’t.  I have not slept more than 12 hours total in the past 6 days and it’s not because I have work to do.  Today, I went shopping for a few items and before I left the store, I stopped before the doors and stuck my hand in my pocket and took every dollar out, folded it up and stuck it in the red bucket for the Salvation Army.  I didn’t even think about it…it just happened.  I don’t know what else to do.

I tried to finish the artwork, especially with all this time on my hands from not sleeping but I just couldn’t do any more.  My eyes just hurt, my fingers wouldn’t stay still and my mind wouldn’t cooperate.  I didn’t have anything left, my emotions are all spent and there was nothing left to make the lines on the page dance the way I wanted them to.  I am so incredibly sorry to not deliver and I am even more sorry that you are all going to read what I have written next; please understand.

Until further notice; until I am happy the way I need to be…after I find that one person that truly wants to be around and have me around because they genuinely want me; I will have no more new artwork for anyone.  I will be putting all of my efforts into this one single goal, nothing is more important than this.  Without someone that loves me, this; all of this…the artwork, the stories, the poems, everything isn’t worth anything if I don’t have anyone to share it with.  That’s just how it is.

So because it might very well be a long time before you see anything from me again, please, enjoy looking at all the Christmas pieces that were not finished.  I hope you will look at these and think of what they would have looked like; they would have been amazing I think.

Merry Christmas to all of you; I love each one of you the same.  And if you want to do something for me this Christmas, I want it to be this.  Right now, right after you read this; find someone you love and give them a hug or a kiss and tell them you love them…really love them; make them understand that you do…don’t half ass it-be 100% sure they know.  No one should feel bad on Christmas and I want each of you to let someone know just how much you are glad that they are there, right next to you…right at this very moment.

Have a great Christmas and a Happy New year; I hope it’s not long before I have done what I need to do.

-me.

"Peace On Earth"

Although this doesn't scream Christmas, it's that time of the year when we should be giving just a little bit; letting things slide off just a bit easier.  A little peace on earth has never been a bad thing.  I have always been a fan of other artists depiction of a dove and I thought, "I have never actually done one, so why don't I just do a quick little black line drawing to see how I might do it; it wouldn't hurt to try."  This was the first try; took 50 seconds-maybe and I liked it so much I painted the rest and here you go.

Please, this Christmas season and for the new year, I'd love to know everyone was giving in just a little to make someone happy.  Be a friend when it's easier not to, say hi when you could have just said nothing at all and hug more...no one gets nearly enough of them now-a-days; I know I don't even come close to having enough.

Here is "Peace On Earth" - I hope you like it.

-me

"shake it up"

Although I haven't really been in the Christmas mood this year, I have tried to force out some 'good' artwork - and this time, I am using the word 'force' in a different way...

See, I was in the Christmas mood...right around the first snowfall and at that time, I have about three dozen ideas for Christmas Artwork.  I fleshed some of them out, I sketched a few and about 10-16 of them were nearly in some sort of finished condition when suddenly, I just lost it.  That Christmas Spirit seemed to just leave just as quick as it came.  Now, most of you know, this is my favorite time of the year-I live for it all; the snow, the cold, the visits and such but it's gone.  It seems to feel like I have been punched in the stomach and all my air is gone; not because of the normal holiday rush stuff-this is different.  So when I say force, I don't mean that I am trying to push a bunch of artwork out just to push it out-hell, I do this stuff for fun...I don't NEED to do any of it, so I don't ever feel the NEED to put stuff out for the sake of doing it...I give you artwork because I love to, not because I feel I have to and ONLY when I feel like something is good enough.

Hopefully this feeling of miserable, not happy, un-wanted-ness and bullshit finds somewhere else to be soon because I will not let it get to me anymore than I will let certain people keep me in this mood.

Here you go; here's "shake it up" in two different colors because I just liked them both.  I got the idea when I heard "Shake Up Christmas" by Train a couple months ago; hope you like it.

-me

***FOR MORE CHRISTMAS ARTWORK by me-Click Here!***

A moment of silence.

Today I found out a friend of mine lost her Mother a couple of days ago; she was a great and amazing woman who treated me just like her own child.  I just wanted to take a moment and let everyone know that I was thinking of them in this time of loss.  Even though I wasn't around for a handful of years, I never stopped caring and I loved her very much; just as much as my own Mom.  There really are not enough words in the English language to express my grief and sadness or how much she meant to me and how much of a positive impact she had on my life so instead of trying and failing miserably, I will just ask that you all pray for her family and that during this Christmas season they might find that joy and love that she always had about her.

I love you and miss you Flo.
-jason

"Window in the Skies"

"For the Record..."

For the record, I have not given up on anything I am merely giving in.  I just don’t have any fight left in me.  I would love to keep fighting, probably more that anything else, I would but if fighting for something that will ultimately lead me to losing it…well, I just won’t.  So everything goes back to the way things were and I will never again hope for something that I know I was never suppose to be able to have.  I knew it from the beginning but I just thought, maybe just this once I could try; I don’t regret a thing and I would do it all over again the same way if given the opportunity.

It’s funny that no one will know what I am talking about here-it’s not meant for anyone else to understand…I just needed to write this down for myself, so I will always remember; that’s all, no other reason.

I do however have a message for all of you out there who happen to be reading this; in this world and this life, we are given the ability to look beyond those things we believe are true; those things that have been cemented in our psyche by the trials and tribulations that make up the experiences we refer to.  We have the ability to dream and to view reality through whatever glasses we choose to view them with and the choice to take those glasses off at any time.  We also have the ability to discount those things that make up the obstacles in our lives that hold us back if we so choose to.  Choice and not the inevitability of past choices should guide our lives; it’s who we are.  It is true that we give things up in the process like control but control is only an illusion that acts more like a distraction when we look back on it.  When someone takes a genuine chance on something; on anything, it’s not that we give up control or anything else…it’s a compromise that depends on someone else’s choice too.  When we take a job; we give up just as much as someone else does by giving us a chance to do the job and either succeed or fail at it.  We do it all the time but what we almost never realize is that we are rarely honest to ourselves about why we do what we do.  It’s no what we do, it’s why we do it.  It’s not that we took a chance on something, it’s about why we did it and what the intention was.  You can lie to everyone else about why we didn’t take a chance and it matters very little but it always matters if you know the truth.  It’s all because of the great equalizer we all have that is built in to ourselves; it’s the heart…people don’t use it when they know they need to or even want to and especially when it could mean more than anyone could have guessed it would.  I would like everyone to just try a little bit more to use that heart you have to take that chance that you normally wouldn’t have taken; not because it will prove something or give you something greater than you have now but when it’s the difference between being truthful to yourself and lying because you just know that the inevitable will happen before you have even tried.

-me

More Christmas Artwork later this weekend…thank you.

"Christmas With Love"

My cousin Patrick is an amazing artist; he paints the most amazing scenes in the world; I have always wanted to paint something that looked half as good as his do...hopefully this little message, in the middle of the snow and cold might warm your heart just a little.

Christmas could be an amazing time of the year, all you need is to let a little love in.  I am a pretty lucky guy to have as much as I do; friends and family, my dog Luna, all the children out there who I get to sit down and draw pictures and color for...I am a pretty lucky guy.  So please, just let a little love in and make sure the people that matter to you this Christmas know just how much they really do.

-I love you all...especially you (+1)
jason

Christmas 2010

Well, we are well into the Christmas season and so I guess it's time I started giving you some Holly-Jolly artwork.  Here's one that I had a lot of fun doing...

I ended up doing 2 versions because the it really does look good classic and plain but I liked the scissors too-

-Have fun everyone; I miss you and love you all but especially you...(+1)
jason